On Kicking the Bucket and Bucket Lists

Recently, I attended the funeral wakes of two friends.

At one funeral, my friend's husband shared how they had travelled extensively around the world during their marriage. Many of the photos shown at the wake were of an enjoyable life of exotic places and cuisines. We drank and toasted to the joyful life they both enjoyed and celebrated.

At another funeral wake, person after person shared how my deceased friend was still trying to help others just like him in his last days, despite the pain caused by cancer,. His son wept and shared how his father's life taught him how to be a better man.

CHARLES HANDY
These two experiences reminded me of the recount of management writer, Charles Handy, on the impact his father's funeral had had on him.

In his book, The Hungry Spirit, Handy said his father was “a quiet and rather ordinary man, albeit kind and loving. He was the rector of a small protestant parish in rural Ireland for forty years. He was unambitious for promotion, careful about money — careful because there wasn’t much.”

At 18, Handy thought lowly of his father and “resolved never to be poor, never to go to church again, and never to be content with where (he) stood in life.”

Handy went on to become a highly successful academician jetting round the world with little time for the family he left behind in Ireland.

In his 40s, Handy one day received news that his father was dying and rushed home. He was totally unprepared for what he saw at his father’s funeral. He had expected a very quiet and boring funeral. But he was "staggered by the numbers who came to say farewell to this quiet man and the emotion which they showed."

Handy saw that his father had clearly affected the lives of people in ways he had never imagined. Handy then concluded that his father had obviously got something right which he himself had been "too obtuse to see".

In the days after the funeral, Handy thought long and hard about what success was; and wondered who would turn up at his funeral and say how he might matter to them. He eventually left the university and became an influential thought leader on responsible capitalism and management.

ALFRED NOBEL
Alfred Nobel was a Swedish chemist, engineer, innovator, and armaments manufacturer who was best-known to have instituted the Nobel Prizes.

But the revered Nobel prizes had a rather interesting origin. Nobel held 350 different patents and was best known to be the inventor of dynamite. However, this invention which he thought would end all wars was seen by many others as a very deadly product.

In 1888, Nobel had a profound life-changing experience that was to impact the way he wants to leave the world.

In the month of April 1888, Alfred's brother, Ludvig Nobel died. However, the media made a mistake and thought that it was Alfred who had died. The obituary described Alfred Nobel as a "Merchant of Death" who had invented and became wealthy from the products of destruction.

Although the mistake was uncovered, Nobel determined that he would not finish his life with an epitaph such as this. He drew up his will and ordered that more than 90 percent of his estate be put aside to set up the Nobel Prizes that would be awarded to persons who have rendered the greatest services to mankind in physics, chemistry, physiology or medicine, literature, and peace.

THE BUCKET LIST
One of my favourite movies is the bestselling The Bucket List (遗愿清单). A “bucket list” is an English idiom that refers to one’s wish list of things to do before one “kicks the bucket” ie “dies”.

The 2007 movie traces the journey of two terminally ill men, portrayed by Jack Nicolson and Morgan Freeman, who helped each other complete their bucket lists, before they pass on. The things they did included skydiving together, flying over the North Pole, visiting the Taj Malhal in India, and riding motorcycles on the Great Wall of China.

But what ultimately brought both of them the greatest joy were not the things that money could buy. They were to do with the relationships that they reconciled with people they care for.

LEAVE THIS WORLD A LITTLE BETTER THAN YOU FOUND IT
Although it has been said that “you can’t really tell what a person is like till his coffin is nailed”; there are things we can each do that can shape the man on his dying bed.

Founder of the Scout movement, Lord Baden-Powell, prepared a farewell message to his Scouts, for publication after his death. He carried it in an envelope marked “To be opened in the event of my death”. In it, he shared, “...Try and leave this world a little better than you found it and when your turn comes to die, you can die happy in feeling that at any rate you have not wasted your time but have done your best.”

A bucket list is most fulfilling when it is not just all about things physical or only about “I, me and mine”.

Imagine your funeral.

Who will be there?

What do others think you stood for?

What will they say when you are dead?

Denise Phua Lay Peng/ My Paper’ Fortnightly Column/ 16 Oct 2013